America, we need to talk about our baby names

I understand that with the rise of the internet, you can, with the push of a button, find out how many Jayden Joneses there are out there, so you opted to name your baby Jhaeydynne in order to make him stand out from the rest. I have turned a blind eye to the rise of girls named Nevaeh, Traeh, and Legna ("heaven", "Heart" and "angel" backwards). I have even ignored names like Nevaehtnes and Nevaehly (I think these are attempts at making "heaven sent" and "heavenly" into names), Recently-given brand names like ESPN, Rivian and Lexus on babies, and weaponry-inspired names like Trigger, Pistol, Beretta, Kimber, Ruger, Tank, Gunner (far more popular than the Scandinavian name Gunnar), Cannon, Derringer and Warrior have given me pause, but they are all so standard now it's barely worth noting anymore.

What I really can't get over these days is giving your kid a name that will force him or her to live up to an unrealistic standard. Let's face it, while your baby may be your savior, naming him or her Messiah is a bit much. Add to that that the name Messiah isn't even that rare anymore-- in the past 5 years, 7401 boys and 200 girls have been named Messiah (and that doesn't count all the variant spellings, like Messiyah, Messyah etc.) They can't ALL be *the* Messiah.

I know you don't want to hear this, but statistically, your child will be average. Compared to all the other kids in the world, your kid's talents and abilities will probably fall somewhere in the middle of the pack. There's nothing wrong with this! Being average is great! As a totally mediocre person myself, I can say I've lived a long and happy life thus far. But, if my parents had named me Princess (people have been naming girls Princess sporadically since the 1890s, but it's really taken off as a first name since the 2010s) or Sovereign (this name has been on the rise for both boys and girls in the past few years), this would have been laughable.

Your little Clever (119 babies given this name since 2003) will almost certainly one day fail a math quiz. Amazing and their friends Celebrity and Charisma may come in 4th place in a talent show. Knowledge's pub quiz team may not even make the top 10. This is a normal part of life, but will it be extra humiliating when your name does not live up to its potential? 

Your kid may be a plumber or a retail sales clerk someday. These are the kind of workers that make the world go 'round! However, these jobs are far from being Royalty (a name that saw an almost 300% popularity increase between 2015-2017), nor are they particularly Majestic (a name that's been about equally popular for boys and girls since it was introduced in the 1990s). Like it or not, your little Prodigy (though many Prodigies may have been named after Mobb Deep rapper Prodigy, who died in 2017) may flub some notes in his piano recital someday. Will he feel more ashamed having not lived up to the onomastic standard given to him at birth? How about when Warrior loses a fight to his brother Normal? (just kidding; Normal hasn't charted as a name since 1947).

Names that have been inspirational are nothing new-- the Puritans were naming kids things that would inspire them, like Discipline and Fear-the-Lord, hundreds of years ago. Currently, this tradition lives on in mostly girls' names like Faith, Hope, and Grace. However, this trend is on steroids as children are getting named Epic, Legendary, Godswill (probably God's Will, though it could also be God swill, and Chosen, which is on the rise for both sexes. Chosen is so popular it is found in multiple spellings like Chozen, Chozyn, and, puzzlingly Khozen and Xhozen, which are inexplicably pronounced like Chosen. 

Names indicating rebellious or violent natures have also been on the rise in the past decade or so. Pre-school and kindergarten teachers will have their hands full with the likes of little boys named Mayhem, Chaos, Rowdy, Riot, Rebel, Action, Crash, Danger, Furious, Havoc, Lawless, and Savage. What if Mayhem discovers his love of ballet early on? Will his name hinder his professional progress? Likewise if Lawless decides to join the police force or Crash becomes a driving instructor.

Other names that have cropped up for boys in the past 10 years:
Almighty, Genius, Prince+ names: PrinceZion, PrinceEthan and PrinceIsaiah
SirPrince, Slayer, Superior, Vision, Wealth, Prophesy, Legendary, Lightning, Brilliant, Champ, Charming, Elite, Genuine, Brazen, Divine, Stoic, Worthy, Winner, and Tuff.

For girls (Awesome, Greatness, Legend and Rocket have been used for boys already at this point), names tend less towards strength and rebellion (although there are a bunch of Rebels, Rogues, and Sirens) and more towards beauty and nature:
Aroyal, Awesome, Greatness, Hermosa ("Beautiful" in Spanish), Integrity, Legend, Rocket, Sublime,* Beautiful (in English), Purpose, Miracle, Mylove, Angelic, Blessed, Blessings, Breezy, Rainy, Poem, Praise, Prayer, Presence, Poet, Purity, Reality, Reason (although the spelling Reasyn is the most popular), Rejoice, Remedy, Sincerity, Serenity, etc.

*Sublime may also be be a reference to Marijuana, which would fit in with the rise of other similarly inspired names like Indica and Sativa.

This is not to say that we should go back to former eras when half the kids in a class were named Jennifer or Mary, just... aren't we putting a little too much pressure on our kids these days? What will little Amazing think when he or she gets turned down for that promotion? These kids will be adults one day. I guess I'd want my refrigerator repaired by Triumph or Dominance, but it might be a bit much to get my appendix taken out by Smiley or MyAngel. 

I will probably be dead by then, but when these kids are old, Grandpa Peerless and Grandma Mystique will probably long for the Good Old Days when kids were named Alegend and Amiracle, and not boring names like their grandkids now have, like Jane and Bob!